While I want this blog to be fun with shared tips, recipes, and all things homeschool and homesteading… It’s also a place to be raw with my emotions and life. Today is my 46th birthday. There were definitely some high points! However there were also some low points and this is me thinking through the day.
A little history: I was diagnosed with cancer in 2022 and underwent 6 months of grueling chemo. The kind where you lose your hair and struggle to get out of bed to do just basic tasks. (Just a side note to show that I’m insane sometimes… it was during this battle that I pulled T from public schools and we started homeschooling!). I have a rare MELF pattern type of cancer meaning that it is found within my organs not as tumors on the outside. It started in my uterus and spread to my lymph nodes.
I was cancer free for 7 months and we found 2 tumors in my right lung. I saw an amazing pulmonary oncologist and he surgically removed them and with testing, it was confirmed that my cancer had spread to my lung. Since then, I’ve been on a chemo pill that I take daily and an infusion that I take every 3 weeks. I’ve been hospitalized twice and underwent many many tests for various things over the past year.
Lately things were looking up! Chemo is still hard, but my lungs have been looking good, no signs of reoccurrence… all of my testing has been perfect. During my Feb 2025 visit I brought up the question: Is it possible to end treatment after 1 year instead of the 2 years that we originally planned. She talked really highly of that possibility. So for the past 4 weeks (between treatments) I have been on cloud 9. I’ve been making plans for my life… I’ve been excited to get my life back.
Today, I saw my oncologist again (whom I believe God appointed for my care, what she says I will follow) and brought up the possibility of ending at one year. She very thoroughly went over my history and said with the actual reoccurrence less than a year ago, and with the type of cancer I have, she is keeping me on our current treatment plan for “at least” a year. There was mention of doing 3 years… my heart sank. There went all of my hopes and dreams for the next year. All of the things I wanted to accomplish. The commitments that I was looking forward to (being in bible studies, attending church again on a regular basis…) all just wiped out. I’m back to not feeling well a lot of the time. I’m back to severly dry skin, hair, and mouth. Changes in my tastebuds and more foods that I can’t tolerate (that I know I LOVE).
I’m taking today as a sort of day of mourning. Tomorrow, I am home alone and will dig myself into the Word of God, I will pray and meditate on God and His plan for my life. The words of Proverbs 19:21 really stick out to me today: “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” Not my will but His be done.
I am very blessed to be so close to the Holy Trinity in the midst of all of this. God spoke to me today saying that I’m not alone and that He has more lessons for me to learn in this season. This is a hard season. And today was a hard blow. I’m … well, mourning. I’m mourning the year ahead. I will not stay in this place… it’s just taking me a couple of days to wrap my head around all of this.
Even though my plans fell through, I will still homestead and cook from scratch just as I have been. I am planning my garden. I am planning a kitchen renovation. I might push a little to go ahead and get my chickens. I will continue to do what I can, when I can. I will still get excited over the stars on a clear night. I will still have hope for the future. I will still work on healing myself with food. God is good, always, even if I don’t quite understand what’s going on.