I don’t like to think about my past me. Not that she was bad, but because I’ve grown so much. Past me was ambitious as all get out! She was brave and strong and … busy. She was a great sales person. She fought every battle put in front of her (and won). She did a million things a day … but never caught up. She worked tirelessly in jobs, in family, in friendships. She was great! I commend her for doing what she did. But she broke. Completely and utterly broke. Mentally.
From that break… and it took years and medication and doctors… she rebuilt. Her ambition never wavered. Her push… her drive… got her into some cool rooms with some of the coolest women. But after rebuilding, God wasn’t calling her to be who she was … she was called into transformation. And so came cancer.
Cancer was a season all its own. But it caused ME to slow down. To sit with myself in a whole new way. It stretched me and challenged me in new ways. It taught me to advocate for myself, to fight for myself, to focus on life and its beauty. God called me to this place and took the time to really draw me back into Himself. During chemo, I was closer to Him than ever before. He was my light and my armor. I went through 3 years of chemo… and by the end, I was craving a different life than anything I’d had before.
I was craving slowness, gentleness, ease, peace. No longer was my ambition in control. God was in control and orchestrating a life that only He could have known I’d long for. He planned this way before I did. He planted me, 25 years ago, into an Amish community in a small town… where you see buggies and horses, acres of gardens, and large farms being worked with ancient equipment. Where they write letters for communication and know that the hour of travel to get into town is part of the fun of the journey. They take time to talk to each other, but aren’t available to each other all day every day through a phone.
About 2 years ago, God gave me the ache to homestead. To make things from scratch and garden and move at a slower pace. I was making my own seasonings, baking bread, I would love to say tending a garden but to be honest, I struggle with my garden LOL. It’s a work in progress and every year I get a little better. Just as I was making my way in homesteading… along came some job opportunities and my ambition kicked up again. I stopped homesteading… I started making resumes and thinking through interview questions. I got caught up in the old old me.
God humored me … about 3 months of veering down this path of selfish ambition and after the last interview was conducted, I could FINALLY see that those efforts, though not waisted, were not anything that I really wanted. I wanted slowness… baking bread and gardening days. Days to spend with my neighbors and take my time dilly dallying. No rush, no deadlines, no craziness.
If you’re being tossed about by life… and are looking for permission to pause and reset, this is your permission. Please pause and recenter your life to the way you want it. There is no right or wrong answer to this, but I believe God gives us a yearning for the things He wants for us. I hope you find that and have the courage to make the change.